IMAGE: When holding something precious, we resist letting go © Louise A. Shilton
“Now I’ve opened up my heart
How can I (re)turn to the dark?”
Nitin Sawhney (Letting Go)
Whenever I think of “letting go”, the beautiful Nitin Sawhney song of the same name echoes through my mind—this simple but powerful philosophy is so sweetly delivered through the vocals of Tina Grace: “Don’t be afraid of letting go… Not of anything… Not of anyone…”.
As I have awakened over the last decade or so, I have been increasingly exposed to situations that have required various degrees of letting go. Letting go of dysfunctional family dynamics. Letting go of jobs, financial security, and status. Letting go of property. Letting go of images of myself. Letting go of other people’s images of me. Letting go of perceived wrongdoings done to me. Letting go of ‘mistakes’ I have made. Letting go of people. Letting go of places…
Recently I have been letting go of a dream, a hope, and a desire. This has presented challenges on another level—but while the process has been both sad and painful, it also felt necessary. I have been letting go of the dream of a 'happy ever after' with a soulmate whom I first met in person over three years ago. (I touched on this story in my blog “On Heartbreak & Soulmates”.)
In letting go of the dream, the hope, and the desire—I am choosing to free myself, and fully open myself up to the possibilities of having a committed romantic partnership and long-term loving relationship with someone else. I have been straddling the somewhat precarious line of remaining open to uniting with my soulmate—while attempting to also keep my heart sufficiently open to meeting and fully allowing a romantic relationship to develop with someone else—for about five years. Yes, intuitively I knew there was a significant soulmate I was going to meet long before I met them, and in mid-2009 I vividly recall re-affirming that I would wait for them—“I’m going to wait for my soulmate” my inner voice said. (I didn’t understand at the time that what I was doing was re-confirming my commitment to honouring a soul contract I had with them, and at least one other of my soul group soulmates—a soulmate who has since passed over, and who is with me from the other side as my dearest friend and spirit guide. And I didn't realise that the soulmate I was waiting for was actually my twin flame, or know anything about twin flames until a few years after we met…)
So now I am in the process of liberating myself from an inherent sense of commitment and obligation owing to our shared soul contract(s). I have done the work I needed to do—I have done my best to honour my part of the contract.
But a contract is an agreement between at least two parties. And so it remains to be seen whether or not the third party in this trio of souls will do her part. What I do know, and have understood for the best part of three years, is that this is out of my hands. I do what I am guided to do, and what feels right to do—I cannot do more than that. None of us can do the soul contract work for another—and if we attempt to do so, it doesn’t really help either party.
No, all I can do now is let go, because recently I found myself being distracted again by the dream of uniting with my soulmate. It’s not just a dream—there have been many signs, including unsolicited messages relayed via other people, messages from Spirit, as well as some astral experiences and soul-to-soul communications that stirred up my feelings and fanned the flames of hope once again. But I acknowledged something else to myself again recently. I acknowledged to myself that while the journey of piecing together the information I now understand has to some degree fuelled my desire for understanding life and soul, and helped me to move forward on my path—the knowledge of who this soulmate is has also been holding me back in some ways. And being held back is not something I desire. My body, my mind and my soul desire growth and expansion more than anything else—there is no room in my life for feeling held back, for holding myself back—I wish to keep evolving and moving forward on my path.
The situation is complex, beautiful, and heartbreaking. A story of such profound love between soulmates that they agreed to doing some seemingly crazy things in order to provide the opportunities for each other’s desired soul learning and growth. In this regard, the story is not unique. Everywhere, all the time, soulmates and affiliated souls are teaching each other valuable lessons, and in doing so, they are—consciously or otherwise—honouring soul agreements or ‘contracts’ that they made with each other prior to their incarnation.
It’s also a story of close soulmates finding each other across oceans and centuries, just as they had agreed to do. And again, in this regard, it is not unique. Soulmates are not always romantic, and this is something I have written about in other blogs, but when soulmates do have a plan for a romantic union—a shared desire to meet and unite in a lifetime—the inner desire can be so strong they will literally travel the globe if they need to! (Brian Weiss wrote about such meetings as revealed through past life regression therapy in his book Only Love is Real.)
Not everyone has come into their current lifetime to meet up with one of their soulmates for a romantic union—but I did. And while I didn’t fully understand where this deep desire for that unique connection and union came from until recent years, I have always been aware that it was there. I feel blessed now that certain events and seemingly miraculous experiences have shown me that these feelings are more real and more grounded in truth than so much else that happens in our everyday lives. However, my dream of uniting with my soulmate has not entirely focused on us becoming lovers and partners. No, my dream—my remaining hope—was for a conversation. My hope was for a two-way communication that might allow the sharing of information that I have—which has the potential to heal heart and soul wounds, and radically change both of our lives.
Out of respect for the other parties involved, I won’t write too many details. Let’s just say that when my living soulmate and I first met in person it was destined, profound, intense, and under very challenging circumstances. There was much staring on her part. Her soul communicated to mine telepathically, and mine responded in kind—each acknowledging not only the recognition, but also that I was there for her, just as I had promised that I would be. Our mutual soul recognition was powerful and beautiful.
The opportunity to perhaps act on the desire was real, but relatively fleeting. Rightly or wrongly, I felt I couldn’t possibly act on my desire without first having a conversation—but not just any conversation—a conversation about our soul connection and the involvement of the spirit of our mutual soulmate in us meeting at that point in time. A conversation in which I would reveal that I had just learned that I had direct contact from this spirit, and that I had started to piece together the fragments of our soul agreements and relevant prior lifetimes together.
Communication from Spirit was an entirely new experience for me at that time—and something I was working through and trying to understand fully myself. While I battled fears that I might be going crazy—before we actually met and her recognition of me confirmed that the connection was indeed real—I was also resolute that no matter how strong the attraction and desire, I wanted to be completely upfront about this spirit’s contact before anything more intimate could happen between us. Indeed, I was prepared for my soulmate to completely freak out and never want anything to do with me again! But, in my thinking then—and still—this would be better than acting on the attraction and then trying to have this conversation later.
What I didn’t anticipate—after initial signs from herself, as well as some of her friends, that she wanted to get to know me—was that she would completely freak out and not want anything to do with me before we even had a proper conversation…
The learning and growth I went through, and the depths of soul searching I had to do to make peace with this, were extremely challenging. Had I done something wrong? Did I miss the opportunity? Was I supposed to have blurted out what I ‘knew’ when we first met at a big public event among hordes of other people? (At the time we met it was far from a confident knowing.) I still couldn’t conceive of acting on the attraction first and then talking about the soul connection and spirit contact later, so this part was easier for me to make peace with in myself.
I made various attempts for us to talk, so that we could get to know each other and have a real conversation, not small talk in a loud venue—but my attempts were either knocked back by my soulmate, or blocked by her friends after their initial keenness to know me. Early on, one of her friends went to great efforts to befriend me, and even became a housemate. It was clear she was positioned to act as a go-between—but intuitively I didn’t fully trust this person. Besides, I knew all I needed to know intuitively and through contact with Spirit—I had no interest in trying to find anything else out through someone else.
I was prepared to wait until my soulmate was ready to speak directly with me, but my soulmate completely freaked out before I could speak with her directly. I felt it—I knew it intuitively—and my then housemate told me so. In answer to my praying and asking for guidance about what I could do to get the information to her if it was appropriate to do so—if it was in her highest good—I had always received a “no” with respect to just writing it all in an email (it was too much to convey via such impersonal means). But at this time I was suddenly given permission to tell my then housemate. I knew enough about her at this stage to know that she believed in the eternal soul, as we had talked about this briefly before. I mustered the courage and steeled myself for a backlash—I told her I had something important to tell her on the morning of 26 April 2011, and we agreed to talk that evening after we were both home from work.
That evening I went downstairs to see her and told her about her friend's spirit being in contact with me. She jumped up angrily, but calmed down when I stood my ground and reiterated that it was the case. She said she needed a smoke, so we reconvened outside. I told her what I knew, and about how Mandy's spirit had first alerted me to her presence in my life months earlier, when I lived in a different city. She threw in some curve balls trying to throw me off, but I just stated my own experiences of Mandy's contact, and told her about the confirmations of this spirit's presence that I had received from other people. I told her that I had some things documented in email correspondence with a woman in New Zealand, and that she was welcome to see these emails. I relayed that Mandy's passing was her path to open hearts and help awaken others, and that she wanted those who knew her to understand this—especially her soulmate, whom she loved very much. Importantly also, I relayed that Mandy had not suffered any physical pain when she passed over—that her soul had already left her body and was flying high and free, and that she wanted people to be given some comfort in knowing this.
My housemate asked why her contact was with me as I did not know her friends before, so I shared that I understood I was part of the same soul group, and that my soul had agreed to be a messenger when she passed over. She knew it was true. She declared “That explains X's reaction to you!” She then said “You can’t be the one to tell her—she is completely freaked out by you!” I replied "I know. This is why I am being given permission to tell you now—I wasn't given permission to speak with you about this before.”
I answered all her questions, and I offered for her to call upon me anytime she wanted. I thought I would be tested—I imagined being given an additional list of questions from herself and others for me to prove that Mandy's contact with me was real. But it never happened. Seven weeks later, she came to me extremely upset and asked for my help—she asked me to get information for her from my spirit guides, and I did so. But it had nothing to do with my soulmates—her friends. On delivering this information we hugged repeatedly and I thanked her for trusting me. Through tears she said “I do trust you Louise—I really do.” And I knew it was true—it was a beautiful moment of raw and honest vulnerability. But publicly she treated me like a leper.
We were housemates for several more months, but these conversations were never spoken of again.
What a fucking soul contract! (And believe me, this was something I often declared in private, complete with requisite expletives!!!)
There were waves of me feeling quite burdened by the information I had pieced together, and that I had been given by Spirit—weighed down by my thoughts that the information I had could perhaps assist in another’s healing from grief. I tried another couple of avenues to get the information to her—but I met with 'brick walls'. I had to learn that soul contracts require both (and all) parties to participate—I couldn’t do it all. I couldn’t force someone to hear information that they were not ready to hear. I could only hope that when they were ready—if ever they were ready—they would reach out and allow us to have a conversation.
And so now, three years on, I am letting go of this hope. It has been holding me back from fully moving forward in my life in some ways. I have to let it go. As a good friend of mine would say, “Let go, and let God”. Sometimes we just have to accept that things really are out of our hands—but that if they are in the highest good of the people concerned, the Universe will find a way. (After all, identifying soul contracts and coaching people on how to recognise what is theirs and what is not—what they need to work on, and what they need to let go—is part of the work I am now doing!)
And through this journey—through spirit contact and guidance—my whole life has changed. Something else I had to learn was that this soul contract was also for my own healing—healing my own heart and soul wounds. I peeled off and worked through layers of grief and trauma for my own healing—and while I am still essentially me, in many ways I am also like a different person. I have undergone an inner transformation in the last few years, and I wouldn’t change this for the world. I will forever be grateful for the key roles that these two soulmates have played in my own journey in this life. But, for now, in order for me to continue to grow—I have to fully let it go.
“Destiny dictates the meeting of soulmates. We will meet them. But what we decide to do after that meeting falls in the province of choice or free will. A wrong choice or a missed chance can lead to incredible loneliness and suffering. A right choice, an opportunity realised, can bring us to profound bliss and happiness.”
Brian Weiss (Only Love Is Real).